I realized tonight as I pulled into the familiar Shiloh parking lot, one hour late to youth group due to a family Christmas party, that it would be my last Reckless until September 2011. A sad realization, but surprisingly I wanted no recognition, no farewell speech - no attention at all really. Apparently God had work to do in me. Within minutes of entering, we went to worship, and after a flurry of unmistakable signs from God I realized I was hearing from Him for the first time in a long time, and (as usual) I didn't like what He was saying because it went against every fiber of my natural intentions. Tonight, He brought to my attention - as if I didn't already know - that I have not been in a good place with Him lately. More on that in a minute. He told me that even though my intentions had been to remain on Reckless staff during my trip to Germany simply as an extended sabbatical, this is not His plan. Within an instant I knew that I needed to step down for the time being until I am ready to fulfill the responsibilities again with all of my heart. In that moment, I stepped down from staff. Logistically, does it make a difference? No. I'm leaving. No one, not even my closest friends on staff, will be able to tell the difference between the situation in a practical sense. But it is a world of difference in my attitude, spiritual focus, and the placement of my heart. Leaving staff in my own mind was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Afraid that I would waver in my obedience, I quickly told Ashley to make things "official." Sure enough, I wept. It wasn't a lot of tears, but inside I was crying like a baby. It may seem like a minor change of wording as to my position, but it is absolutely necessary for my spiritual growth at this time. So I am no longer able to refer to myself as "youth staff." And if you catch me doing so out of habit, stop me.
On to my current state before I wrap this entry up (I promised shorter ones!). I have not been doing well with God for some time now. I have been struggling and the feelings I expressed in my first entry here have become more intense than ever. Consequently, I have run from it all. Luckily, progress is still being made even in the darkest night. Our family cruise showed me that there is a solid foundation of light and salt in me that I never fully realized - without even trying I was able to shine light into some very dark lives on the ship. It was a beautiful thing, and I was so shocked that God was using me that I am still recovering. Also, meetings with Mike (my mentor) have been going well and I am slowly but surely finding out the roots of some of my deepest issues. Externally, I may be in poor shape, but things are aligning internally to pave the road for a bright and pure future. I am so glad for this, but I am also trying to avoid using it as an excuse to become a fatalist and simply "wait on God's plan" without trying to change things or avoid sin.
Time to wrap up. Not sure what else to say, though. I've got a lot of work to do.
And...
I feel like everything I cherish has been ripped away to be replaced with new experiences for the next 8 months or so. In the time being, there is absolutely nothing inside of me so I feel very empty.
But aside from the obvious fact that I am not empty because I have the only One who matters inside my heart, all of that is just ridiculous. Because it wasn't ripped away, God would never do such a thing. I gave it away, and that makes all the difference. Now for a smile, even if it's an ironic one :)
