Today was my worst day since arriving in Austria. Honestly, I'd say today was one of the worst days I've had in a very long time. This whole week I've been feeling very homesick and I haven't been doing a great job of keeping myself busy, so things continued to build up. Last night, though, I finally got the Skype subscription I've been thinking about that allows me to make unlimited calls to the US for $7/month. I was up until 4:30 in the morning talking to old friends and having some very meaningful conversations. Unfortunately this made me realize even more just how much I miss home. I slept until 3 this afternoon because I was very tired and had nothing to do today, then got up and made lunch, and was feeling so bummed out that I just fell back into an uneasy sleep until 6:30. I've decided I could never live in Greenland or some crazy place like that during the winter, because when you only see about 30 minutes of sun in a whole day it does something weird inside your head. I was so exhausted and depressed after all that sleep that I couldn't even get enough energy to pray. I just sat on the edge of my bed and, embarrassed as I am to admit it, cried. Here, in the middle of the adventure of a lifetime that many people would give anything to have, with a world-class city at my fingertips and all the time in the world, I was the epitome of self-pity, and it was pathetic.
Funny that this happened today though. Within the last 24 hours I've received a lot of spiritual pointers dealing with this very topic. Last night as I spoke with my mentor on Skype, we talked a little bit about this blog and his impressions of it. His one outstanding piece of advice to me was that, "Self-consciousness can be an obstacle to God-consciousness." This confused me at first, but after some explanation I began to understand what he meant. Self-consciousness is a positive thing, only so far as it leads us to realize our brokenness and become naked and transparent before God and rely totally on Him. However, in times of trial or pain, being overly conscious of ourselves and our problems can lead to self-pity, wallowing, and extreme loneliness. As our focus shifts from God to ourselves, we foolishly forget that God: 1) is all-powerful and sovereign, and has a right to our lives because we have surrendered them to Him (Romans 12:1), 2) has our best interests in mind (Romans 8:28), and 3) is the cure to any loneliness we could ever have because He is "help to the helpless, strength to the stranger, and a Father to the child that's left alone." ("So Come" - Israel Houghton)
You see, despite God's different plans for each of our lives, we are all called to one thing: "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." (2 Corinthians 3:18) We are called to be mirrors of God's glory in this world. Some translations say that we "behold as in a mirror" the glory of the Lord, but actually both are accurate translations of the Greek word katoptrizo. Both are actually important, because, like Moses, we must first behold God's glory in order to let it change us before reflecting it to the people around us. (This article expands on this concept, and the Bible dictionary entry confirms it, along with the original text) As I meditated on the concept of a mirror, I realized something interesting. Mirrors are unique in that the perfection of a mirror can be measured by its lack of individuality. A mirror with unique defects or even "character" is no good mirror for looking in! Its sole purpose is to show an accurate image of the beholder. We are called to be the same way. We cannot be self-conscious mirrors, making our unique aspects the highlight of the show. Look again at the two pictures above: which one most represents your life? Do not think of this in terms of "broken" and "whole," that is not the point. We are all broken. However, what stands out about your life to others? Is it your reflection of Christ, or your own unique character?
It is amazing how this all ties in with the Moses entries from last month. Remember with me that God first had to bring Moses to a place of brokenness before Moses was ready to ask the big question: "Who are You?" His life was forever changed by this experience. However, this breaking process was not done so that Moses could become a self-conscious wretch, wallowing in self-pity or constantly aware of his faults and failures. It was done so that upon realizing all of these things, he would be ready to make himself fully naked before the Lord, dependent upon His mercy, and transparent so that He could work through his life. The same can be said of my experience here in Europe, as well as most if not all of the trials in our lives.
So, in closing for today, I am sorry if this blog has been in any way overly self-conscious. I am sorry to myself, sorry to my readers, and sorry to the Lord. It was never my intention to focus on myself - the key here is for us all to draw closer to the Lord. The purest water is see-through, and in the same way I hope that our hearts grow purer together so that our individuality never overshadows the image of God in our lives.
Dein Reich komme, Dein Wille geschehe, wie im Himmel so auf Erden.
Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on Earth as it is in heaven.
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