Meine Sündenbekenntnisse - Für Alle zu Sehen

My confessions - for all to see

I wish I knew how to start this entry. There's so many things I could say. What is worth saying? What will be valuable to somebody else?

For me, one of the greatest implications of God and His glory has always been the emptiness that I feel without Him. When He is present... well, He is always present, but when I acknowledge Him, life simply fits. The proverbial gaping hole in my life is filled, and whether I stand in the midst of storm or silence, danger or drought, I find peace unlike any other. And when I choose to ignore Him, well there is this sort of nuclear fallout in my chest. When I lay down at night, I can feel the residual stains of sin and all its consequences and all I can do is hope for rest and eagerly await the coming day so I can find something, anything, to escape the loneliness.

I think that these feelings are universal. We all can try to seem as "put together" as we want on the outside, but when we are alone with ourselves in the depths of our heart - whether sitting on the Vienna U-Bahn on the way to school or laying in bed staring at the ceiling or anywhere in between - we are all the same in this respect. So what do we do? We try to fill our lives with meaning and value. We run to everything but the One who has the power to make a difference.

Yesterday I was convicted by the words of a very dear friend of mine, who wrote:

I don't really like saying amen at the end of prayers. Who am I to just cut off a conversation with God? It's like a phone call... Where you do all the talking, and then just say bye and hang up. You don't wait for a response, you just hang up when you're done confessing your sins, or saying how great our God is. I say I want to hear Him, and then I hang up on Him. I haven't heard God in so long, because I haven't been listening. I cut Him off, with everything I think I need to say.

So at 00:30 when I walked into my room, my roommate was fast asleep. Normally I would have brushed my teeth, jumped into bed, read a chapter of the Bible, and fallen asleep. But not last night. Before I did any of these things I sat on the edge of my bed and began to pray, keeping in mind the words of my friend. For thirty minutes I prayed. Not so much longer than any other night, maybe; but so very different than any other night because I finally remembered that conversation is about quality, not quantity. And for the first time since I've been here in Austria I let go of all my ridiculous pretenses about knowing God's will and heart and just desperately asked Him to speak to me. And sure enough, like always, our God was faithful.

"Your life is valuable."
That is what I heard. My instinctive response, "That's it? That's all You have for me?" Then I began to be moved by His words. God had spoken to me in a paradox. My life in itself is, actually, in fact, worthless. In fact, if God by His sovereign hand did not continue to will me into existence, then poof! I'd be gone. And He would remain. But the New Life that I have - the life of Christ in me - is valuable. There are things He has planned for me, for you, for all of us, before the beginning of time, and only we can accomplish them. Who knows how great our impact on this world will be? And honestly, who cares? If we live for Him, then it is all about bringing glory to His name. We are valuable.

Tomorrow my home-church Shiloh is embarking on a new journey where they will have a series of messages to revitalize the church's ideas of what it means to be a disciple. The goal is not for us to learn how to disciple others, but to better learn how to be disciples of Christ ourselves. What is the key text for this series? Romans 12. And what a better way to describe the fact that our lives only have value when offered completely to Him than the opening verse of this chapter:

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship."

To kick off this series, the church is going to be fasting and praying for one week prior to the first message.  I am joining with them because I believe in this series, but also because I want to press in deeper to my walk with God along with my church.  There are some things in me that need to be rooted out.  Hence the title "Confessions"...

At the time of writing this, only a handful of friends and my family know about what I am about to confess.  I may get myself into trouble, as I well should. But I am standing on the words of James, "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." (James 5:15-16)  Well, here goes:

I smoke.
A lot.
8-10 a day.  Almost half a pack a day.
For almost 6 months now.
Bad?  Yes.  But what's worse is that I have been hiding it from everyone back home except for a few close friends.  I have promised so many people I would stop, and bought so many "last packs" that I've lost count now.  But I continue to do it.  Europe hasn't helped - where everyone, everywhere, smokes.  As I type these words I am on my fifth smoke since I stepped in the cafe tonight.  Whether or not it's a sin is not some theological question for me or an area where I need to carefully search the Bible to find an answer.  The guilt and shame that I feel are enough to tell me all I need to know.  The fact that I hid it from fellow staff members because it blatantly broke the contract I signed when I first joined makes it that much worse.

At midnight tonight I begin my fast.  I am not sure what exactly I will be fasting, but I know that cigarettes will be a part of it.  No cigarettes.  Not just for a week, or a month.  No more.  Ever.  I am done with this, and every day will only make it harder.  It is more than a mundane health risk, it is a spiritual battle for me.  And as I do this, I am overjoyed that I get to join with my church, thousands of miles away, who are all fasting and praying with me.  Maybe not specifically for me, but what does it matter?  The battle is fought on many fronts, and for now this is my special assignment.  Pray that God gives you yours.

Heute ist die Fastenzeit!  Mit was mußt du aufhören?

The Fast is today!  What must you quit?