Der große Widerspruch

The Great Paradox

Christianity is a compilation of glorious contradictions.  Life through death, victory through defeat, blessings through persecution, a God that is three in one and one in three who came to Earth as a human being without forfeiting one attribute of His nature.  Today, though, I am overwhelmed by one great contradiction.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time." 1 Peter 5:6

We are actually commanded by Christ to die to ourselves, to realize that we are nothing apart from Him.  We are told by our loving Father to throw in the towel, to give up, throw our hands up in full surrender, ending the war our flesh has waged against His laws.  Our sinful nature, our old selves, will be given no quarter.  We will be ruined -  "gloriously ruined" in the words of the late Mike Yaconelli.  There is no room for negotiation with the Almighty One.  Sadly, we have lost the fear of God, and humbling ourselves under His mighty hand has become a romantic notion where He throws buckets of daisies, daffodils, butterflies, tulips, and rainbows all around us and then cooks us a big warm pot of chili [or insert your favorite home-cooked meal from mom here].  We have forgotten the words of the author of Hebrews, "It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God." (Heb 10:31)  These are the same mighty hands under which Peter tells us to willingly humble ourselves.  The beauty of our situation is that the dread is gone, and we can now approach Him confidently with the knowledge of His grace (Heb 4:16) thanks to Christ's sacrifice on our behalf; but to forget the hopeless situation we would otherwise be faced with is to trample the blood of Christ underfoot, which is the very thing Hebrews says makes the notion of falling into His hands dreadful (Heb 10:26-31).

Many times have I prayed the words, "Lord, I cannot do this alone.  If you don't help me, I know I can never get myself out of this nor can I ever end up where you want me to be."  I have been sincere every time, because the words are as true and logical as anything I have ever spoken.  The problem is that I have been surrendering in the wrong way.  The demand is for us to surrender to Him, actively and continuously, "that he may lift you up in due time."  To put a new twist on a classic example, what good is it to pray and give God a signed blank check to your life, only for Him to find out you have withdrawn all your funds by the time He goes to cash it?  The will must remain surrendered to Him until He lifts you up, and trust me, He will.  This is the meaning of the "living sacrifice" in Romans 12:1.  Another well-known example I enjoy is that the difference between a living sacrifice and a dead one is that the living one can crawl off the altar.

This paradox of active surrender, fighting to remain subdued under God's hand, was well understood by Peter.  Just two verses after telling us surrender to God's mighty hand, he writes, "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings." (1 Peter 5:8-9)

I can think of only a handful of times in my life when I have been persistently and actively surrendered in spite of feeling totally cut off from God.  This week was one of those times.  As I wrote in my last post, I made up my mind to refuse to stay down, to refuse to stop seeking Him.  I barely knew what I was seeking or how I would find it, but I can encourage you, He wants to be found by us.  If you feel discouraged, persevere in surrender.  Do not persevere in good works, or attempts to be holy, or to understand God's ways.  Persevere in surrender.  Fight with all that you have to make sure that in the conflict between your flesh and God's Spirit, you are the one who loses.  It is worth it.

And when you least expect it, when all hope seems lost, when the night is darkest, He will drop an unbelievable miracle right into your lap to remind you He is there.  It may seem like nothing to the people around you, they may say (at best) that it is a coincidence or maybe just the pepperoni pizza you had last night.  But you will know that God has heard your prayer and answered it in a way only He can.  Of the handful of times I have forced myself to stay on the altar, He has always answered me in such a way.  That's what happened to me this week, and I can't wait to get to share the story someday soon, when the time is right.

Ich steh hier auf weitem Land

Lass mich los in deinen Hand

Ich seh ein Feuer immer heller

Es lockt mich an, steckt mich in Brand

Standing tall in this wide space

Getting lost in Your embrace

I see a fire burning brighter

It’s calling me to catch the flame

Ich lasse mich fallen, 

tauch ein in deinen Liebersstrom

Es ist nicht nur Fühlen,

Sondern Wissen, du bist da!

I feel like I’m falling

Swimming in Your great streams of love

It’s not just a feeling

It's knowing You are here

Nicht-redigierten Gedanken

Unedited Thoughts

Patience is not indifference; patience conveys the idea of an immensely strong rock withstanding all onslaughts. The vision of God is the source of patience, because it imparts a moral inspiration. Moses endured, not because he had an ideal of right and duty, but because he had a vision of God. ... A man with the vision of God is not devoted to a cause or to any particular issue; he is devoted to God Himself. ... If God gives you a time spiritually, as He gave His Son actually, of temptation in the wilderness, with no word from Himself at all, endure, and the power to endure is there because you see God. (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest)

Forgive me Lord, for my lack of patience.  I have had false patience, the kind Chambers describes as "indifference."  I have been anything but an "immensely strong rock," and I know why: because I have not relied on You.  I have not kept my eyes fixed on You.  This is so difficult to write, because I feel like the opening theme is the same as many of my posts so far on this blog - that I am still a failure.  I have the fear and shame that people will just get fed up of reading about how I repeatedly fall flat on my face, then try to turn my life back to you.  But I must be honest.  And if I am honest, I have only two choices.  I can stay on my face, where there is no risk of falling again, or I can turn my eyes to Christ once more and allow him to lift me from the ashes.

I'm not giving up.  "Time has a way of robbing me of your memory, but it can't erase and now I remember everything." (Joy Whitlock, "Traces of You")  I can never forget what He has saved me from, and though I am not now nor will I ever be fully saved from the grasp of sin on this earth, He has already done so much in my life and given me glimpses of what is still to come.  The fact that I feel like I have let down myself, my friends, my youth group, and Him is only a sign that my spiritual eyes are focused on the wrong place.  I am a wretch, that should be no surprise - but His grace in the midst of my wretchedness should never cease to be a surprise.

You see, I have this problem.  Everywhere I go, people seem to think that I think I am perfect and they are not.  Up until I was about 16, I had quite a prideful streak, but I was also desperately insecure.  In the past 4 years or so, I'd say both of those have evened each other out quite a lot to become a balanced self esteem, yet the stereotype of "judgmental, arrogant jerk" still follows me.  It doesn't happen all the time, but it happens often enough to make me wonder what it is that I am doing wrong.  It breaks my heart, because I do not want to be perceived that way.  More importantly, I do not want Christ to be perceived that way.  It is not who I am, definitely not who He is; it is the exact opposite of the love that I want to shine through me.  Besides, I don't think you understand - if I had been there when Paul said he was the worst of sinners, I would have thrown my hand in the air and told him the title was taken.  I know the right thing to do, yet can never manage to get it done.  I give my friends good, sound Biblical advice for their problems because I love them so much (not because I want to dump legalism on their heads) even when I am stuck in the mire of sin myself.  My hypocrisy knows no bounds.  My failures are countless.  Okay, so I don't even know what this has to do with the beginning of this blog entry, but maybe I need to learn to be more patient with others in this issue.  And maybe others need to read that I really don't view myself the way they seem to think I do.

Sorry that I haven't written much lately.  I just can't seem to think straight much anymore.  I don't want to say I'm not enjoying my travels and my experiences, or that I'm not learning a lot, but I have to admit that I don't think I'm cut out for long periods of time away.  I just love my family and friends and home so much, it's practically all I can think about lately.  I've got a countdown timer on my laptop.  Getting motivated to do anything is difficult.  I've found some great people here, and my German may have gotten much better, but there is still a language barrier.  I miss small things, like driving my car with music blasting, and big things, like waking the twins up from a nap or talking into the late hours of the night with Nate over a cup of coffee in his shed or in his plow truck.  I don't know what lesson I'm supposed to learn from all of this, but it's gotta be part of what God's doing.

This may have been the least coherent thing I've ever written.  Just wanted to let you all know I'm still alive.  I love you all.