Patience is not indifference; patience conveys the idea of an immensely strong rock withstanding all onslaughts. The vision of God is the source of patience, because it imparts a moral inspiration. Moses endured, not because he had an ideal of right and duty, but because he had a vision of God. ... A man with the vision of God is not devoted to a cause or to any particular issue; he is devoted to God Himself. ... If God gives you a time spiritually, as He gave His Son actually, of temptation in the wilderness, with no word from Himself at all, endure, and the power to endure is there because you see God. (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest)Forgive me Lord, for my lack of patience. I have had false patience, the kind Chambers describes as "indifference." I have been anything but an "immensely strong rock," and I know why: because I have not relied on You. I have not kept my eyes fixed on You. This is so difficult to write, because I feel like the opening theme is the same as many of my posts so far on this blog - that I am still a failure. I have the fear and shame that people will just get fed up of reading about how I repeatedly fall flat on my face, then try to turn my life back to you. But I must be honest. And if I am honest, I have only two choices. I can stay on my face, where there is no risk of falling again, or I can turn my eyes to Christ once more and allow him to lift me from the ashes.
I'm not giving up. "Time has a way of robbing me of your memory, but it can't erase and now I remember everything." (Joy Whitlock, "Traces of You") I can never forget what He has saved me from, and though I am not now nor will I ever be fully saved from the grasp of sin on this earth, He has already done so much in my life and given me glimpses of what is still to come. The fact that I feel like I have let down myself, my friends, my youth group, and Him is only a sign that my spiritual eyes are focused on the wrong place. I am a wretch, that should be no surprise - but His grace in the midst of my wretchedness should never cease to be a surprise.
You see, I have this problem. Everywhere I go, people seem to think that I think I am perfect and they are not. Up until I was about 16, I had quite a prideful streak, but I was also desperately insecure. In the past 4 years or so, I'd say both of those have evened each other out quite a lot to become a balanced self esteem, yet the stereotype of "judgmental, arrogant jerk" still follows me. It doesn't happen all the time, but it happens often enough to make me wonder what it is that I am doing wrong. It breaks my heart, because I do not want to be perceived that way. More importantly, I do not want Christ to be perceived that way. It is not who I am, definitely not who He is; it is the exact opposite of the love that I want to shine through me. Besides, I don't think you understand - if I had been there when Paul said he was the worst of sinners, I would have thrown my hand in the air and told him the title was taken. I know the right thing to do, yet can never manage to get it done. I give my friends good, sound Biblical advice for their problems because I love them so much (not because I want to dump legalism on their heads) even when I am stuck in the mire of sin myself. My hypocrisy knows no bounds. My failures are countless. Okay, so I don't even know what this has to do with the beginning of this blog entry, but maybe I need to learn to be more patient with others in this issue. And maybe others need to read that I really don't view myself the way they seem to think I do.
Sorry that I haven't written much lately. I just can't seem to think straight much anymore. I don't want to say I'm not enjoying my travels and my experiences, or that I'm not learning a lot, but I have to admit that I don't think I'm cut out for long periods of time away. I just love my family and friends and home so much, it's practically all I can think about lately. I've got a countdown timer on my laptop. Getting motivated to do anything is difficult. I've found some great people here, and my German may have gotten much better, but there is still a language barrier. I miss small things, like driving my car with music blasting, and big things, like waking the twins up from a nap or talking into the late hours of the night with Nate over a cup of coffee in his shed or in his plow truck. I don't know what lesson I'm supposed to learn from all of this, but it's gotta be part of what God's doing.
This may have been the least coherent thing I've ever written. Just wanted to let you all know I'm still alive. I love you all.
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