Meine Sündenbekenntnisse - Für Alle zu Sehen

My confessions - for all to see

I wish I knew how to start this entry. There's so many things I could say. What is worth saying? What will be valuable to somebody else?

For me, one of the greatest implications of God and His glory has always been the emptiness that I feel without Him. When He is present... well, He is always present, but when I acknowledge Him, life simply fits. The proverbial gaping hole in my life is filled, and whether I stand in the midst of storm or silence, danger or drought, I find peace unlike any other. And when I choose to ignore Him, well there is this sort of nuclear fallout in my chest. When I lay down at night, I can feel the residual stains of sin and all its consequences and all I can do is hope for rest and eagerly await the coming day so I can find something, anything, to escape the loneliness.

I think that these feelings are universal. We all can try to seem as "put together" as we want on the outside, but when we are alone with ourselves in the depths of our heart - whether sitting on the Vienna U-Bahn on the way to school or laying in bed staring at the ceiling or anywhere in between - we are all the same in this respect. So what do we do? We try to fill our lives with meaning and value. We run to everything but the One who has the power to make a difference.

Yesterday I was convicted by the words of a very dear friend of mine, who wrote:

I don't really like saying amen at the end of prayers. Who am I to just cut off a conversation with God? It's like a phone call... Where you do all the talking, and then just say bye and hang up. You don't wait for a response, you just hang up when you're done confessing your sins, or saying how great our God is. I say I want to hear Him, and then I hang up on Him. I haven't heard God in so long, because I haven't been listening. I cut Him off, with everything I think I need to say.

So at 00:30 when I walked into my room, my roommate was fast asleep. Normally I would have brushed my teeth, jumped into bed, read a chapter of the Bible, and fallen asleep. But not last night. Before I did any of these things I sat on the edge of my bed and began to pray, keeping in mind the words of my friend. For thirty minutes I prayed. Not so much longer than any other night, maybe; but so very different than any other night because I finally remembered that conversation is about quality, not quantity. And for the first time since I've been here in Austria I let go of all my ridiculous pretenses about knowing God's will and heart and just desperately asked Him to speak to me. And sure enough, like always, our God was faithful.

"Your life is valuable."
That is what I heard. My instinctive response, "That's it? That's all You have for me?" Then I began to be moved by His words. God had spoken to me in a paradox. My life in itself is, actually, in fact, worthless. In fact, if God by His sovereign hand did not continue to will me into existence, then poof! I'd be gone. And He would remain. But the New Life that I have - the life of Christ in me - is valuable. There are things He has planned for me, for you, for all of us, before the beginning of time, and only we can accomplish them. Who knows how great our impact on this world will be? And honestly, who cares? If we live for Him, then it is all about bringing glory to His name. We are valuable.

Tomorrow my home-church Shiloh is embarking on a new journey where they will have a series of messages to revitalize the church's ideas of what it means to be a disciple. The goal is not for us to learn how to disciple others, but to better learn how to be disciples of Christ ourselves. What is the key text for this series? Romans 12. And what a better way to describe the fact that our lives only have value when offered completely to Him than the opening verse of this chapter:

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship."

To kick off this series, the church is going to be fasting and praying for one week prior to the first message.  I am joining with them because I believe in this series, but also because I want to press in deeper to my walk with God along with my church.  There are some things in me that need to be rooted out.  Hence the title "Confessions"...

At the time of writing this, only a handful of friends and my family know about what I am about to confess.  I may get myself into trouble, as I well should. But I am standing on the words of James, "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." (James 5:15-16)  Well, here goes:

I smoke.
A lot.
8-10 a day.  Almost half a pack a day.
For almost 6 months now.
Bad?  Yes.  But what's worse is that I have been hiding it from everyone back home except for a few close friends.  I have promised so many people I would stop, and bought so many "last packs" that I've lost count now.  But I continue to do it.  Europe hasn't helped - where everyone, everywhere, smokes.  As I type these words I am on my fifth smoke since I stepped in the cafe tonight.  Whether or not it's a sin is not some theological question for me or an area where I need to carefully search the Bible to find an answer.  The guilt and shame that I feel are enough to tell me all I need to know.  The fact that I hid it from fellow staff members because it blatantly broke the contract I signed when I first joined makes it that much worse.

At midnight tonight I begin my fast.  I am not sure what exactly I will be fasting, but I know that cigarettes will be a part of it.  No cigarettes.  Not just for a week, or a month.  No more.  Ever.  I am done with this, and every day will only make it harder.  It is more than a mundane health risk, it is a spiritual battle for me.  And as I do this, I am overjoyed that I get to join with my church, thousands of miles away, who are all fasting and praying with me.  Maybe not specifically for me, but what does it matter?  The battle is fought on many fronts, and for now this is my special assignment.  Pray that God gives you yours.

Heute ist die Fastenzeit!  Mit was mußt du aufhören?

The Fast is today!  What must you quit?

Wie heißt Dein Name? ICH WERDE SEIN, DER ICH SEIN WERDE.

"What is your name?  I AM WHO I AM." (final part of the 3 part series on Moses)

I think that these words from Exodus 3:13-14 are the most important part of Moses' interaction with God to prepare him for his journey as prophet and leader of the Exodus.  As I have spent time pondering Moses' 4 questions (Who am I?  Who are you?  What if they do not believe me?  Please send someone else!), I realized that the first one and the last two are all tied into Moses' humility and proper view of himself, which I spent time discussing in the last post on Moses' dethroning.  The second question, however, stands out in stark contrast to the others:  Who are YOU?  Though Moses had some traditional ideas passed down through the history of his people about the God of his forefathers, this was not enough.  A proper and intimate knowledge of the God of the universe was absolutely required in order for him to walk out the path before him.  Therefore, I do not think it is inappropriate to say that a proper knowledge of God is necessary for all of us to walk in the path He has set before each one of us.  Everything about us and our decisions as Christians and non-Christians alike will come down, directly or indirectly, to our thoughts about God.  To quote A.W. Tozer again,

What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.

...

Let us beware lest we in our pride accept the erroneous notion that idolatry consists only in kneeling before visible objects of adoration, and that civilized peoples are therefore free from it. The essence of idolatry is the entertainment of thoughts about God that are unworthy of him. It begins in the mind and may be present where no overt act of worship has taken place… Wrong ideas about God are not only the fountain from which the polluted waters of idolatry flow; they are themselves idolatrous. The idolater simply imagines things about God and acts as if they were true.

Before the Christian church goes into eclipse anywhere there must first be a corrupting of her simple basic theology. She simply gets a wrong answer to the question, “What is God like?” and goes on from there… The masses of her adherents come to believe that God is different from what He actually is; and that is heresy of the most insidious and deadly kind. (The Knowledge of the Holy)

What a beautiful summary of everything wrong with the world.  The very first sin, and all subsequent sins, came from a casting of doubt followed by a total misunderstanding of one of God's basic qualities.  In the Garden of Eden it was His honesty and His goodness, but any other mistake we make about God's character can be equally catastrophic.  Because of this, it becomes clear that there is a mandate upon all believers to be "theologians" in their own way - not in the sense that every one of them must attend seminary and understand the Hypostatic Union or be able to quote a Catechism by heart, but that they must seek to educate themselves through God's word and reputable authors to understand who God is in the best way possible.  The more we understand God and Christ's sacrifice for us, though we will never fully understand it, the more our actions will line up with His heart.  Again, this goes back to my first post here in Austria where I spoke about religion vs. relationship and law vs. love.  When we choose to rely on only what has been handed down to us, whether we are average church-goers or members of the theological elite (what an ironic term!), we have nothing.  We must encounter God!  We must ask Him, "What is Your Name?"

Today is a short post, but if I were to write any more if would only be to elaborate on this simple truth.  Thinking rightly about God, then, is the solution to all of our problems.  The answer to sin, brokenness, and every complication in our life depends on it.  Please join with me in trying to think more rightly about God in every day.  And never just take someone's word for it.  There are many wise people out there, but there is only one Christ.  Anyone who is truly wise will agree with me there.

In keeping with the fact that the Word of God is our daily bread, today's German farewell is:
Mahlzeit! ("Bon appetit!")

Mose - von Prinz zu Prophet

Moses - from Prince to Prophet (continued from yesterday)

Did quite a lot of thinking and praying last night about this Moses situation. I found some very interesting information concerning Moses' story and attitudes before his exile in an very unlikely place: several thousand years later in Stephen's words to the Sanhedrin before his stoning. In Acts 7, he reminds them of Jewish history and informs us that:

"At that time Moses was born, and he was no ordinary child." (verse 20)
"Moses was educated in all the wisdom of the Egyptians and was powerful in speech and action." (verse 22)
"He saw one of them being mistreated by an Egyptian, so he went to his defense and avenged him by killing the Egyptian. Moses thought that his own people would realize that God was using him to rescue them, but they did not." (verses 24-25)

So how did this outstanding, educated, well-spoken, quick-acting man with a knowledge that he was called to rescue his people become the Moses we meet at the burning bush? Those 40 years in the desert had transformed him into a humble, self-conscious, stammering, hard-working man whose values were still in place but who over-thought every decision carefully before making it. There are many facets to explore here, but I hope to get through some of them today.  As I mentioned yesterday, the "proto-Moses" became three things in his transition from prince to pastor (used here only with its literal meaning of "shepherd"). He became a family man, a shepherd, and a man of solitude. Naturally, his family prepared him for leadership by teaching him what true Godly manhood is about - that is, not impulsively and rashly acting whenever one is stirred by emotion as he had done when he killed the Egyptian slaver, but rather constantly sacrificing one's self for the good of one's family and assuming full responsibility for their actions. Biblical headship is always about servanthood rather than authority, and Moses must have learned this well. As a shepherd, he learned to work hard and rely upon God's provision as he cared for his flock.

But lastly, and most importantly, I believe that Moses' solitude had the biggest impact on shaping his spirit for the upcoming years. He would of course have had much time to consider his actions back in Egypt, and I can only assume he came to deeply regret his murder and lose much of his previous sense of self-confidence and worth. I imagine that he had all but given up on the dream he once had of setting his people free, thinking that he had blown it by trying to force a solution rather than waiting for God's timing. He was confronted with his own imperfection, and made a great transition that all of us must make. This quote by A.W. Tozer has deeply challenged me, and I believe if Moses had read it one day while sitting on a rock for lunch, sheep grazing all around him, he would have nodded his head in solemn agreement:

Because man is born a rebel, he is unaware that he is one. His constant assertion of self, as far as he thinks of it at all, appears to him a perfectly normal thing. He is willing to share himself, sometimes even to sacrifice himself for a desired end, but never to dethrone himself. Sin has many manifestations, but its essence is one. A moral being, created to worship before the throne of God, sits on the throne of his own selfhood and from that elevated position declares, "I AM." That is sin in its concentrated essence; yet because it is natural it appears to be good. (The Knowledge of the Holy)

Moses was being dethroned.  This, I think, is the most important thing for any believer and the only true way to become the bride of Christ.  We must recognize that we are truly nothing without Him, but also that without us He would still be everything that He already is.  In other words, He does not need us.  He only desires us, but that is a great difference.  Admitting that my life has no meaning or significance apart from Him is something that I am attempting to wrap my head around.  But I can already see the traces of a Moses-esque transition within me.  I am no longer the young and eager Christian jumping at the bit to do something extreme for Christ.  Though my intentions were good, good intentions are often one of those idolatrous "something elses" that I mentioned in the last post.  Instead, I find myself to be a much more hesitant Christ follower now.  What is really God's will?  This may be cool, but is it really His plan?  Those are the kinds of questions I find myself asking more often.  This transition is definitely not a complete one, and there is still so much that is partially or even totally unchanged.  But it is a process.

There is so much to be gained from this story of Moses.  I have just barely scratched the surface, and haven't even come close to getting to his 4 questions at the burning bush.  Lucky for me that I have to end for today, since this is all very new to me and I am just beginning to explore it myself.

May this quote by a famous German theologian be true for all of us:

"Die Bibel ist das Buch, dessen Inhalt selbst von seinem göttlichen Ursprung zeugt.  Die Bibel ist mein edelster Schatz, ohne den ich elend wäre."

"The Bible is the book of which the content itself is evidence of its divine origin.  The Bible is my most precious treasure, without which I would be miserable."

-Immanuel Kant

Ein Bisschen Heimweh

A Little Homesickness (literally "home-pain" which, I think, is a nicer translation)

Got my first pangs of homesickness two days ago when I saw a tall skinny guy walking down the street in bright red skinny jeans and a crazy scarf.  Even in Europe, such fashion stands out, so of course I thought of Jordan.  Then Sam, then Shiloh, then New Life, then New Hampshire.  Then I hopped on the tram and put it out of my mind.

The next day I got to watch a video tribute to our adopted great-grandmother Sylvia, who passed away this past week after a long struggle with various cancers.  So of course I thought of all my family.

Luckily, I am not too homesick.  But this homesickness leads into the spiritual topic for me at this point.  I am now just beginning to realize how great was the extent of the influence of my Christian family, friends, church, and overall constant involvement.  Even during a spiritually dry time, it is not overly difficult to be preoccupied with things of God from time to time.  Even when not directly discussing God, hanging out with Christian friends has a beautiful, well significance I guess would be the most appropriate word, because there is always the assurance that Christ is the common denominator and driving force (even if He may be ignored or even disobeyed in our actions from time to time!).  Here, however, I am - for now at least - alone in this respect.  In an entirely secular society, without even a single like-minded acquaintance, I find myself frustrated throughout the day that the things of God and that unattainable but not impractical goal of "praying without ceasing" are so far from me.

So in this unique situation I have found my first task by God.  I knew it was coming, but I do not think I realized how difficult it would be.  I must, in the words of Mike Mancino, be separated from all else and separated unto Him.  I must be independently dependent on God.  I cannot rely on other people or things to provide me with a superficial "Christian walk," because it is then no longer dependence on Him but on something else.  As I write this, I realize that all those "something elses" are nothing more than idols.  Any other motive for my walk with Him is an idol, whether it be church or even the desire to fulfill my calling.  Who can live up to such an ideal view?  Hopefully me.  Only time will tell at this point.

I can only imagine how Moses felt during his 40 years in the land of Midian.  Exiled from his country and people, he went from prince to shepherd and had to find a new life and home among a foreign people.  Did he bring the God of his forefathers with him to these people?  I have begun reading Exodus to hopefully gain some insight, and have found so far no mention of Moses' religious life prior to his experience at the burning bush at the end of those 40 years.  The extent of his involvement with the Hebrews from his place in the palace is unclear other than the fact that he knew his birth family well, was sympathetic to his people, and knew at least something of the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob (he did at least recognize this God's existence at the burning bush and trembled in fear!).  But we cannot forget that this was still prior to the institution of the law, the priesthood, and, well, any form of organized Judaism.  So here I can relate to Moses.  No organized religion to depend on in his new land, not even the chance of bringing one there because it did not yet exist!  So clearly God sent him into the desert for training, not as a missionary.

But how was he trained?  Well, he became a family man, learned to be a shepherd, and spent much of his time in solitude.  I think these three things are significant, but I do not yet know how.  This post is already very long, but I intend to continue it tomorrow.  As a last note, there are four more things that I think are significant in gaining insight into who Moses became in the desert.  These are the questions (paraphrased below) he asks of God at the burning bush when he is commissioned to go back into Egypt, and can be found in Exodus 3-4.

1.  Who am I that I should do this?
2.  Who are You?
3.  What if they do not believe me?
4.  Please send someone else!  I am inadequate.

Bis Morgen!  Until tomorrow!

1 Woche in Österreich - Sonntag bis Freitag

First week in Austria - Sunday to Friday

Well, this has been an incredible week to say the least.  Before sitting down to write this blog, I was overwhelmed at the amount of space I could take up just talking about the things I've seen and experienced and the massive cultural divide between small town New Hampshire and Vienna.  Lucky for me I remembered that my mission statement for this blog is to "remember the former things" - the things of God.

So, keeping in my mind that my only purpose here is to document the spiritual track God is taking me down, I am much less stressed about capturing every detail of my week.  Let's just say that Vienna is the most amazing place I've ever been and I've enjoyed every minute of it, and have been making every effort to fill my large amounts of free time by integrating into the culture here.

I have been reading my Bible and praying every night, which is a good change from the last few months where I was not doing so well.  The key is to find God here, and to know that He is the same God that He has always been in my life.  At this point I have no specific direction or guidance from the Holy Spirit as to what my purposes are here other than to grow in my relationship with Him, so I am trying to take that seriously.  It is difficult when there are no other Christians to associate with, however.  The country is predominantly Catholic (mostly non-practicing), with only 4% Protestants, the vast majority of which are highly traditional Lutheran or Helvetic believers whose structure and practice is only a tiny jump away from traditional Catholicism.  I have nothing against them and was in fact planning on attending a Lutheran church, but discovered that both of these closely-linked denominations have shown support for same-sex unions, which is simply a deal breaker for me because it so clearly breaks Orthodox Christian beliefs.  I have found two Baptist churches, however, one German-speaking and the other English-speaking.  This Sunday I plan to attend the German service and hopefully begin finding a temporary family there, at the very least to pray and worship with.

My key verse for the week has been John 5:39-40: "You study the Scriptures diligently because you think that in them you have eternal life. These are the very Scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life."  Christ has made it clear that it is not through study of the Scriptures that we have life, but through Him.  Despite being of absolute divine origin and entirely infallible, His word is simply a gateway to finding new life with Him.  This verse is quite easily expanded to include all forms of religious actions, especially but not only those done with an insincere heart.  I have stressed "not only" because this thought has been shaping me over the last day or two.  Sincerity of heart and desire to find Christ will not change the outcome of our religious actions (our devotions, daily readings, prayers, even listening to worship music).  It is only when we heed His simple command, "Come to me to have life," that we find life in Him and in all of our peripheral activities, both the externally religious and the seemingly mundane.  This is a truth that was a "once upon a time" truth for me.  I knew it so well and practiced it as best as I could in the past, but have all but forgotten it in practice lately.  To be reminded of it has been huge.  Putting it into application will not be any easier simply because I know, but this is an excellent first step.

This topic is powerful and I believe these verses from John 5 are very compatible with Paul's thoughts found in Galatians 5-6.  I encourage anyone to read these two chapters and contemplate the fact that the law and, thus, religiosity have no value in either direction in the life of any believer.  Rather, as the last half of chapter 5 explains clearly, our life and actions are motivated by our relationship to Christ.

Again, my goal here is not so much to talk about myself or experiences but rather to encourage and provoke the thoughts of all my Christian friends back home as well as maintain accountability for myself.  Please take these truths to prayer and ask yourself what areas of your life are religiously or "Law" motivated and not relationally or "Love" motivated.

Viele Grüße aus Wien!

-Corey